After waiting to meet someone I decided its time to make a decision on how much I want children. Now that I am 37 years old my fertility clock is ticking. I decided to go through with AI (artificial insemination) I found a donor who was willing to stay in contact so my child would know their father. I prepared this decision for seven years. I had my first insemination cycle at the beginning of this month. My menstural is due on the 19th which will indicate if it was successful or not. It is my deepest dream to be a mother. I never realized what an emotional roller coaster ride this would be. The main goal here is to never give up. As a Christian it was the hardest decision of my life.
Sunday, September 17, 2017
Friday, October 3, 2014
Dear God October 3 2014
Dear God,
We are taught that you know all that you know every hair on our head but I feel sometimes forgotten. I can't helped to wonder why my deepest desires are simply desires. I was told you you will give us the desires of our hearts I feel I have lost faith in that belief. I know I believe in your existence as I can feel you everywhere. I always thought I would be married by now and have children and yet none of those things have happen. I have only loved once in my life my high school sweetheart even came close to getting married. Our paths became separate and so did we. Even though you know it must end it doesn't change the pain no matter how hard you fight it or try to ignore it you just can't. I have never felt that connection with anyone and it scares me to think if I ever will. It's been ten years now. Shortly after the break up my newborn god daughter came to live with me, I never knew how much love and devotion a tiny baby could bring you. After ten months she went home to live with her mother, I became inflamed with such deep grief I completely shut down. I lost two great loves one I thought would be my husband and the other I so deeply wanted as my own precious daughter. I feel teased too have been so close to my dream only to have it taken away. Is it too late for me ? To be a wife? To be a mother? I am asking you Lord "Is it too late for me?"
We are taught that you know all that you know every hair on our head but I feel sometimes forgotten. I can't helped to wonder why my deepest desires are simply desires. I was told you you will give us the desires of our hearts I feel I have lost faith in that belief. I know I believe in your existence as I can feel you everywhere. I always thought I would be married by now and have children and yet none of those things have happen. I have only loved once in my life my high school sweetheart even came close to getting married. Our paths became separate and so did we. Even though you know it must end it doesn't change the pain no matter how hard you fight it or try to ignore it you just can't. I have never felt that connection with anyone and it scares me to think if I ever will. It's been ten years now. Shortly after the break up my newborn god daughter came to live with me, I never knew how much love and devotion a tiny baby could bring you. After ten months she went home to live with her mother, I became inflamed with such deep grief I completely shut down. I lost two great loves one I thought would be my husband and the other I so deeply wanted as my own precious daughter. I feel teased too have been so close to my dream only to have it taken away. Is it too late for me ? To be a wife? To be a mother? I am asking you Lord "Is it too late for me?"
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